Reflections of a Bereaved Daughter
“Even if it’s expected, you can never be prepared for it,”
my friends and colleagues had told me.
After fighting a long battle with multiple myeloma cancer, my father died a few days before Christmas. For the last few weeks of his life, he was unable to get up and walk, unable to eat and speak and could barely open his eyes. I wished him free of his pain.
And yet, the ultimate realisation of his death left me with a great void. The finality of it all coupled with disturbing thoughts about my own mortality filled me with distress.
What is life about?
Is my life worthwhile?
And above all, why am I feeling angry?
Elizabeth KΓΌbler-Ross (1926-2004), a Swiss American psychiatrist was a pioneer in the studies of death and its effects on the surviving loved ones. From her observations, she came up with a model known as the grief cycle, in which she explains the roller-coaster ride of emotions the survivor is likely to experience:denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although each person’s journey through grief is unique (some stages might be revisited, some might not be experienced at all), the model offers a useful perspective for understanding our emotional reactions to grief.
Following in KΓΌbler-Ross’ footsteps, researchers on the subject have devised various models as a result of in-depth observations of the manifestation of grief across a wide range of socio-economic groups and cultures. Colin Murray Parkes describes the stages of grief as: shock/numbness; followed by yearning and searching; despair and finally acceptance, while William Worden views the tasks of grieving as: accepting of the loss; experiencing the pain of the loss; adjusting to the environment and re-investing energy in the Self.
There are no shortcuts to grief work. It is a frightening, disturbing and painful process. Intense feelings such as shock, disbelief, anger, resentment, abandonment, guilt, hopelessness, bitterness, anxiety, sorrow, relief, release, despair and hurt might take you by surprise. These feelings are often accompanied by physical sensations such as exhaustion and lack of energy, intrusive and confusing thought patterns and alarming behaviour patterns such as disturbed sleep and loss of interest in life and others.
Counselling can help the bereaved by providing support and promoting healing.
Psychiatrist and author Adam Blatner suggests that just as the body heals if certain conditions are met, so will the mind heal. A bodily wound will heal if the foreign material is cleaned out; the edges of the wound are brought back together; and the body is given the proper nutrients.
The wound of psychosocial loss will also heal if unnecessary contaminants such as unreasonable guilt and resentments can be worked through; the individual is prevented from feeling isolated and helped to feel connected to others; and the person can be helped to tap into the psychological “nutrients” that come from some kind of positive outlook on life.
It takes time to work through all the feelings, thoughts and individual bereavement issues. The goal of counselling is to help you integrate the loss into your life now and continue to remember what that person meant to you. In this way, counselling aims to help you reconnect with all the other aspects of your life with renewed interest and hopefully joy.
