Reflections of a French Londoner
‘Iceland! Iceland!’ the two young boys sitting behind me in the plane were squealing with delight. After crossing layers of dark clouds, I saw the grey, flat, and inhospitable looking coast as we neared the airport. Iceland didn’t seem at all welcoming to me but for the two young lads, it was no doubt the most wonderful place on Earthβ¦
Never mind London’s excitement with some of the best toy stores in the world, never mind that it was sunny and bright there and rainy and cold here, what mattered is that they were met with open arms by their family upon landing. They felt safe and loved.
A happy home is a place where children are given unconditional love, security, freedom, and space to develop their skills and learn autonomy. The support they receive at home enables them to feel secure and develop self-confidence as they grow. On the other hand, children living in an unhappy home feel insecure, threatened and controlled and, because the love they receive is often conditional, they learn to develop what Winnicott, an English paediatrician and psychoanalyst, called a ‘false self’. Building up a false self is like putting on a kind of mask and behaving in a way that complies with others’ expectations. The reason for this defence mechanism is to enable us to receive conditional love and acceptance, which is better than none at all; however, over time, the spontaneity of the true self is sadly replaced with compliance and impaired autonomy.Individuals who seem unable to feel real to themselves in life, and yet put on a performance of being real, lose their true identity and feel empty inside.
As you can imagine, allowing yourself to be unconsciously controlled by a false self has powerful relationship implications: how can you be true to others if you are not true to yourself?
One way to feel more real and act freely according to our true desires might be to escape the oppressive and rigid environment that caused us in the first place to develop and present a false self in order to be accepted by people around us. This, I believe, is what attracts some people to London. In the anonymity of the big city, we don’t have to pretend any longer. People just take you as you are. From my observations and experience, I believe that feeling accepted in a non-judgemental way can be healing. In London, I have had the privilege of meeting people from various cultural, racial and religious backgrounds as well as diverse gender orientations. I look around me and marvel at the diversity of self-expression. I believe this tolerant atmosphere enables many of us to exercise our choice of freedom and be our true selves.
In a similar way, therapy can help you untangle internal conflicts and uncertainties with the aim of rediscovering and empowering your true self. The non-judgemental and accepting stance of the therapist can help you understand and recognise false-self dominance. Within the safe climate of the therapy room, it is possible to rediscover the true self, which had been unconsciously hidden behind the false self, and allow it to develop and grow as psychological wounds heal. Because striving to be someone we are not creates conflict and imbalance, working toward knowing who we are, and what our core values and beliefs are will enable us to gain clarity and therefore use our freedom of choice in a positive way and make the most of our potential. This in turn will bring inner harmony.
“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.”
– Thomas Szasz (1920-2012), Psychiatrist
I don’t squeal with delight when I come back to London but I never fail to smile.
